One woman. One horse. 48 states for Domestic Violence Awareness

Check back often for the latest updates and stories from Meredith and Apollo as they journey 10,000 miles on a four year ride around the USA.

Living (with it)

Tonight I’m feeling broken. I would say fragile but to be honest broken in more accurate, being past the point of fragility. Or to put it even more accurately, I am feeling my brokenness, as the broken state of me happened many years ago.  Somewhere in the years between the first time I kowtowed to my abuser just to prevent an argument and the first time I blacked out from the severity of the violence, something in me broke.

I didn’t realize that at the time. It would be years before I did.  In fact, it was not until I began my ‘Ride that I was able to more fully understand the extent of my brokenness. “Oh, but this ride must be so therapeutic! Such a healing process!” I have often heard. Perhaps in some ways. A person cannot truly heal from mental and emotional damage unless they understand their own need, or so it seems to me. That, more than anything, is what I have so far gained in terms of healing: understanding. Of myself, what happened to me, what effects it has had.

Yet the fact remains that I still feel broken. Some days more than others, to be sure. I’m not sure that will ever “go away.” I have learned to live with it, to meditate, to pray, to connect to the divine and feel the great universal love. That doesn’t make the pain in my heart go away, but it does allow me some peace and gratitude to provide a counterbalance to the pain.

I am not writing this for pity, comfort, compassion. I don’t really know why I’m writing this post, to be honest, but I do hope that it helps some other survivor realize a few things: it’s okay to feel your feelings. It’s okay to ask for emotional help and support. It’s not necessarily going to get better, but with time and healthy coping practices it can get easier.

Living with that kind of pain is hard, but every time it gets bad I can still remember to be thankful that yes, I am living with it, because I am grateful to be alive. 

1 comment:

  1. I am so proud (and a little envious too) of what you are doing to heal and to bring awareness to Domestic Violence. You are a survivor! I myself was a victim around 30 years ago. The biggest thing I went through was wondering why that happened to me. Some may never realize the purpose for what they have gone through. You have found your purpose as I did many years later. I was doing some online marketing in my spare time while working a bus driving job. I always said "when I get rich, I will help victims of DV and single moms". I felt the calling to rebuild a website for our local DV Shelter and set up an online presence for them. I contacted the director and she was on-board with my volunteering. The entire time I was working on the project, she kept asking me if I knew someone who wanted a job as a case manager. Jump forward a couple of months toward the end of the project. I had an aha moment one day as I was nearing the end of the project..."Hey, maybe I could do that." I spoke with the director the next day and started the job that week. Though I am not rich with money, I am rich with purpose. I cannot describe the feeling of realizing my dream. In 2014, I became the director of our organization. I lead with purpose and passion. Thank You for what you are doing for all victims and survivors! I look forward to following you on your journey!


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